


I'm so sorry

by pidupi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, M/M, Reader-Insert, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-05-23 08:12:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6110494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pidupi/pseuds/pidupi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a Reader x Karkat fic where you're about to commit suicide by jumping off a building and he stops you last-minute.<br/>The gender of the reader is not yet specified, but they're dfab. That's basically all there is so far.</p><p>I have no idea if anyone is going to even read this, but if you do, please comment and tell me if you want more!<br/>I'd be happy to write more chapters if there's anyone interested. I'll also try writing smut further on /if requested/.</p><p>This is my first attempt at writing a fic, a friend on omegle suggested I try writing something like this when we were rp'ing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

The wind blows through your hair. The city sure looks beautiful from up here. The lights are sparkling from the dark streets and buildings. You take a moment to think about that the last thing you see will be something of beauty. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve a beautiful last moment. If you weren’t so afraid of pain, you would have chosen another way of doing this. But jumping is the only way you’ll ever be able to pull off. Quick, painless and simple. You just need to take a step forward. 

No one knows you’re here. You even pretended to be extra happy on your last days, just so no one would suspect a thing. You know they’ll all be fine. Your family has each other. Your friends will forget you soon enough. It’s not like anyone actually enjoyed your company anyway. You were always just kind of there. Not really bad, but not good anyway. A nobody.

You have the note, you know what to do, you’ve planned this for such a long time. Your fists are closed so tightly around the railing, you can see your knuckles turn white. 

“So what’s stopping you?” you mumble to yourself. “Go on, do it. Jump. You have nothing to live for.” 

But you’re not moving. You don’t want to admit it, but you’re scared. Stupid, sneaky suspicions starts crawling around at the back of your head. What if the building isn’t high enough? What if you survive somehow? Or end up in a coma? What if it actually hurts, what if you survive and everything is just going to become excruciating pain until someone finds you? What if Hell is real and youre going there? 

You shake your head to silence it. No. No distractions. You have to do this. You have to end the pain. You don’t want to live with yourself any longer. Live in your own pathetic mind. You want to get rid of it all. Anything is better than another day just being you.

Slowly, you put one leg over the railing. Now the other. You’re standing on the edge now, looking down. You scan the hard stone pavement below. Not a single soul in sight. No one to disturb you. It’s time. You take a deep breath, and-

 

 ** _“NO!”_**

 

The scream catches you off-guard, and your hands let go of the railing in surprise. Your face turns white when you feel the sensation of losing balance, leaning forwards, starting to fall. But your feet doesn’t even leave the roof before two arms close around you from behind. Someone is holding you tightly, pulling you back against the railing. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?! Get right the fuck back here!” 

The voice is panicked and intense in your ear, and it’s like your brain just paused. You can’t process a single thought, you’re too shocked. You turn your head to look behind you, but you can’t twist your neck enough to get a good look at the person holding you from your death. You know his voice, though. You can’t forget that voice. 

“Karkat...” you whisper weakly. 

“Climb back over the railing, right now. Please.” 

 

Maybe since your brain is so slow and disoriented, it just follows whatever order it’s told? Because you seem to be slowly grabbing hold of the railing again, without having told yourself to do so.  
You turn, and take a look at him. He’s wearing a black sweater and his dark hair is messy and all over the place, as always. He’s staring at you intensely with his dark brown eyes. He looks desperate. Your body is moving by itself, slowly putting one leg and then the other over the railing again. He doesn’t let go of you until you’re on the other side, and when he does, whatever was keeping your body going suddenly ceases to work. Your legs immediately betray you and you fall down on the hard roof. 

Your whole body is shaking and you feel the tears burning in your eyes. This is wrong. All of this is wrong. This was not how things were supposed to turn out. No one was supposed to know. No one was supposed to see until it was too late. How are you ever going to do it now that he’s here? You bite your lips to prevent the sobs and hiccups from escaping your mouth. A hand is placed on your shoulder.

He’s not saying anything. Just sitting in front of you as the choked sobs and tears just keep coming. You don’t know for how long you keep doing this, but once you feel like you’ve cried out every single tear you had in you, you calm down for a bit and look up. You can’t tell if he’s looking at you anymore, his eyes are covered by his hair. It’s probably better this way, since you must look terrible, and you don’t really feel like getting stared at. Your hair hasn’t been washed in a good while, and your face should be all red and puffy from all the crying. Your lips are dry and chafed. You sniffle pathetically to keep snot from dripping from your nose. 

He must be so upset because of you. Yeah, he’s probably pissed. You just put him in a situation in which he was forced to save your life. You have to apologize. You open your mouth to speak, but no noise comes out. You swallow and try again. 

 

“Karkat. I’m sorry. Please, forgive me, please, I’m so sorry, Karkat, I didn’t mean for you to have to do that, you didn’t have to, I’m sorry, you must be so upset and worried, I just-”

“Stop.” His voice is hoarse and unsteady. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“ he clears his throat. “I should have been paying attention to you. I could have prevented this, and I’m sorry” He looks up at you and his eyes are filled with tears. The second you see that he's crying your brain can only focus on that and nothing else. Oh no. Oh no no no. You made him cry. You did this to him. You’re a monster.  
“Please don’t cry!” you blurt out. “I’m okay, I really am, don’t worry about me!”

“FUCK NO YOU’RE NOT!” he shouts back. “Are you shitting me?!? You cannot seriously try to jump of a goddamn building and then try to tell me you’re okay, that’s bullshit!”  
You cower in fear and shock from the shouting and he calms down a bit. 

 

“Wait, no, shit.” a deep sigh. ”Look, I’m sorry for screaming at you. but you have to understand. You can’t apologize for making me worried. You shouldn’t give a single piece of shit about that right now, okay? You should care about your own fucking wellbeing, and about keeping yourself from jumping off this stupid-ass building like some deranged diving contender.”

“What?”

“Damn it, you can’t just go and kill yourself! Don’t you know how many people fucking care about you?! _I_ care about you! Everyone would get completely messed up if you died!”

You look down at the ground in shame. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it’d be that much of a big deal.”

“Seriously?? Of course it’d be a big deal! We’re a bunch of assholes, but we’re not completely fucking heartless. I’m pretty sure even Sollux likes having you around, and that guy normally doesn’t give a shit about anything but his computer. Everyone likes you.”

“What?” This is all complete news to you. “But I’m… I don’t even talk to people much. I don’t understand. Why..”

“So what if you don’t? Do you think that’s what makes someone a good person, talking a lot? Look at me, I’m ranting my ass off all the time and I’m a complete fucking delusional jerkface who didn’t even notice one of his closest friends was suicidal!”

“But.. You’re not-... I just- … Closes- ?? ..eh-” The concept of a complete, understandable sentence suddenly seems foreign to your mouth. Everything is spinning. Your head hurts and you lean forward, putting your hands on the ground for support. Karkat seems to have paused his tantrum.

“Whoa, hey. Uh. Fuck, just.. just breathe, okay? Concentrate on breathing. You’ll be alright. Breathe.” You do as you’re told. Deep breaths, in and out. Nothing complicated. Just breathing. Don’t think about anything. 

 

You’re so exhausted. This is probably the most tired you’ve ever been. Your eyelids feel heavy and your head is empty. You feel yourself being pulled up and your arm is put over Karkat’s shoulders. You haven’t said a word, but Karkat seems to have magically understood what you need anyway. You use him for support as you both keep walking until you reach Kanaya’s apartment. 

She’s not home, but her house was the closest, and you both know where the extra key is hidden. As soon as you get in, you kick your shoes off and stumble into the living room. You collapse onto the couch and close your eyes, and you can feel someone sit down on the edge, with a hand lightly placed on your head. Karkat is petting your hair. It feels wonderful, and you drift off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have a weird dream and wake up in Kanaya's apartement. Both Karkat and Kanaya are there now.  
> They convince you to seek help, and you discover a new smell that you like for some reason. 
> 
> I'm sorry, I know I totally suck at writing both of them.  
> But I'm doing my best, okay? ^^; 
> 
> Hope you like this chapter! More to come!

 

 

Darkness and nothing, no thoughts at all. 

And then suddenly, your house. A tiny gnome is sitting on the outside with a hammer, trying to get in by hacking himself through the wall. He’s slamming the hammer into the wood repeatedly and you tell him to stop, he’s going to ruin the wall, but he ignores you. A dark hole appears under the house and even though you’re not even close to it, you feel yourself losing balance and you’re being sucked into the darkness. The gnome keeps hammering and you get really desperate, can’t he see you’re about to die from falling into that dark pit? You tell him angrily to stop hammering, and then a bright light shines into your eyes, and you’re on a couch. The hammering noise continues.

 

Wait, what. 

 

You blink a few times. What just happened? Where are you? Why is the gnome still going at it? It takes a while for your eyes to adjust to the light. You’re in a living room. Kanayas living room. How did you get here? You look out the window and see a woodpecker sitting in a tree, hacking away at the trunk. That must be the 'gnome' that woke you up. He was a bird all along. Figures. You sit up in the couch and rub your eyes. They feel puffy for some reason, have you been crying agai-

 

Oh. 

 

Oh no. 

 

It all comes back to you like a punch to the face. Your attempt to jump. The voice screaming for you to stop. Karkat, saving your life. Karkat, telling you that everyone cared about you. You were crying. He was crying. And now you’re here.  
You quickly reach for your phone in your pocket, but it’s dead. The battery must’ve run out. For how long have you been asleep? The right side of your face feels warm, as if you had been sleeping on it without turning or moving at all. 

Suddenly, you notice the voices coming from the closed kitchen door. You get up on shaky legs, and tiptoe your way to the door. The voices inside are low, but if you lean in close you can hear what they’re saying. 

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

“I don’t know, okay?? I have no idea how to handle this situation! What do we do, are we supposed to tell her family? Do we call someone? Do we-”

“Karkat, quiet down. You’ll wake her up.”

“Yes, okay, you’re right, I just gotta… Calm down. Alright. We got this.”

“Maybe we should wait until she’s awake and ask her how she’s feeling.”

“Yeah, I just… ”

“I know you’re worried, but we have to be patient. She’s probably very tired and confused right now.”

“How are you so calm about this??”

“Well, someone has to be. We’re not going to solve anything by panicking. And besides, it’s not odd for you to be upset right now considering your fee-”

“Hey! This has nothing to do with that! I’m just worried about her because, well, she’s my friend, nothing else!”

“I see. Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume...”

You finally manage to suppress your curiosity and stop the eavesdropping. One of them might open the door to check on you, and your will to avoid that situation is greater than your will to hear more of the conversation.. You quietly sneak back to the couch and sigh as you sit down again. Man, you’ve made such a mess of things. If you just would’ve picked another time to jump. Karkat wouldn’t have- 

Wait. 

How come he even saw you in the first place? That building was an old, boring office building, he had no business there. He couldn't have. You just picked it because it was tall enough for you to die if you jumped from the roof, and because it seemed so easy to sneak in.  
Sure, it was the general area of Kanaya’s apartment complex, but it was too far away for someone visiting Kanaya to see you on the roof. Besides, if he had been at her place, there's no way he would’ve made it in time. You're confused, but you don’t get any time to really think about it before the door to the kitchen opens and suddenly Karkat is staring at you. You freeze, awkwardly staring back, and none of you say anything. This continues for about ten seconds before Kanaya gently pushes Karkat aside and walks up to you with a glass of water and hands it to you. 

“Here you go. You must be thirsty.”

You didn’t notice until now, but you are, in fact, incredibly thirsty. And holding a glass of water gives you a good reason not to talk or look at anyone. You gulp it down, it feels wonderful and cool in your throat. 

“Thank you.” You tell Kanaya weakly. She nods. 

“Of course.”

You finish the glass while Karkat and Kanaya sits down in the two armchairs across the couch. Once your reason not to talk is gone, you fall into an awkward silence. You can’t bring yourself to look them in the eye, so you just stare at the glass in your hands, your head bowed in shame. Kanaya breaks the silence first.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nhh...mm...” You clutch the glass tighter. The shame and uncomfort you feel is overwhelming. 

“You don’t have to, right now.”

“I.. I’m sorry. I don’t… Know what to say. At the moment. Um.”

“That’s okay. Do you want some more water?”

“Yes please.”

She gets up to get you another glass. You dare to glance up, and see that Karkat seems to be very concentrated on poking the leaves on one of Kanaya’s plants. He’s probably uncomfortable. You suddenly realize something important that you need to tell him. You take a deep breath before speaking.

“Karkat?” his head movement when he looks up at you is so fast it’s almost comical. 

“Yes??”

“Um. I just wanted to ask you, if its okay, could you, uh, well...” You have once again forgotten how sentences work. Why does this always tend to happen in your conversations with him? This is ridiculous.

“Could you please not treat me any differently? From this point on? I mean, well, you know.. I don’t want you guys to feel like you have to be careful around me. None of this was your fault, so… Please just continue to treat me the same way you did before. If, if that's not too much to ask, I mean.”

“Oh. Oh. Uh, sure. I can do that.” he says, nodding. Before you get to say anything else, Kanaya comes back from the kitchen and hands you the refilled glass. 

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to talk about it sooner or later.” It seems she overheard what you said. “Or at least make sure you talk about it with _someone._ ”

“I… I won't try again, I promise! I don’t have to talk to anyone, I’m-” You were about to say that you’re fine, but then you remember Karkat getting so upset at the roof. “I mean, I guess I’m not okay. But I can figure this out myself.”

Both of them give you a look of utter disbelief. It takes some convincing, but they finally manage to make you agree to seek professional help. You feel like it’s going to be a waste of everyone's time, but they were both so persistent and you’re not good at arguing. 

Before you leave, though, Karkat gives you a long hug for seemingly no reason.  
“Promise me you won’t try it again.” he says. 

“I… Okay. I promise.” you mumble back.

He hasn’t really hugged you like this ever before, and certainly not for this long. It feels kind of nice. His sweater is soft, and he smells like something pleasant you can’t really describe, but you kind of want to smell it again once the hug is over. 

‘Don’t be creepy’ you think to yourself as you walk out the door. ‘Smelling people is weird’ you continue as you get on the bus home. ‘You probably smell like shit, I bet he was super uncomfortable hugging you, and you smelled him, you weirdo.' you add, as you arrive at home. 'Just forget about it.’ you whisper as you try to fall asleep that night. 

And you do try to forget about it. You try your very best.

 

But for some reason, you can’t.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter you were planning to watch a movie with Karkat and Kanaya but Kanaya doesn't show up. Awkwardness ensues. 
> 
> \----
> 
> I'm so sorry for being super late with the chapter D:  
> I got busy with schoolwork, and then I went on vacation, and after that I got sick. I'm still a bit sick.  
> I hope you like it? I'm still not good at writing these characters. What am I even doing honestly
> 
> Please tell me if you find any errors or something. I didn't properly proof-read it :V

 

 

The weeks following your failed attempt to kill yourself has passed by in a blur that you have a hard time remembering properly. Even though Karkat and Kanaya both promised not to tell anyone else, you still can’t shake the feeling that all of your friends are being a bit nicer to you than usual. Even people like Terezi, Sollux or Equius, who you usually don’t talk to much, are bringing you into conversations whenever you’re around. 

It’s like everyone is subtly making sure you weren’t being left out. It makes you feel weird. You’d hate to force someone to hang out with you against their will, and that’s exactly what you fear is going on. 

And on top of that, conversations with Karkat has turned really awkward for some reason. You’ve been stuttering an awful lot when talking to him, and you can’t really seem to look him in the eyes. In the beginning you blamed it on the fact that he and Kanaya were the only two people knowing about your suicide attempt, but that doesn’t make sense, since you have no trouble speaking to Kanaya. 

They’ve both been visiting you a lot more than they used to, usually bringing some people with them each time. Game nights, movie marathons, sleepovers, you name it. Always assuring you that it’s not special treatment, even though it obviously is. But you don’t really mind the visits. You didn’t really have much to do in your free time anyway, and having people around kind of distracts you from any bad thoughts you might get otherwise. 

You’ve been eating pills, too. Even though you tried to squirm your way out of it, your friends finally got you to go to a doctor and ask for something against depression and anxiety. You’ve been getting to talk to a psychologist, has been really weird so far, but he gave you pills that you’re supposed to take every day. Forgetting to take them is hell, so you’ve been trying your best to always remember. 

 

\-----

You wake up in the hallway, on the floor. You had been really tired and just kind of sat down on the soft carpet earlier, only to fall asleep moments later. There’s a noise from the living room, disturbing your dreams. It’s your phone. You get up and walk over on wobbly legs to pick it up, but it’s not ringing. It’s just an alarm, a reminder to…

Oh shit. 

You completely forgot, you were supposed to come over to Karkat’s house for another movie night today. You haven’t showered or brushed your teeth and you have no idea if there's any clean clothes in your messy room. You rub your eyes, try to blink the foggy post-nap feeling away, and hurry over to the bathroom to take a quick shower. 

 

\-----

 

Right after you knock on the door, you hear something that sounds like someone tripping and falling, followed by loud swearing. Finally, Karkat opens the door, his face a bit flushed and his hair is slightly messier than usual. 

“Oh, uh, hey.” he says, with the tone of someone who’s trying to hide that they were on the floor a few seconds ago.

“Hi.” your reply is short and awkward. God, you are so sick of not being able to have a proper conversation with this guy.  
He lets you in and you head up to his room, expecting to see Kanaya sitting on his bed waiting for you. Surprisingly, there’s no one there. 

“Where’s Kanaya?” you turn around to Karkat who’s just closing the door behind him.  
“Um. I actually don’t know. She hasn’t showed up yet, and I tried calling before. No reply.”

“Do you… think she’s okay?”

“She’s most likely fine, her phone probably just died or something. I don’t know.” he shrugs. “But uh. Do you... want to start watching something else in the meantime? I mean, we might as well do something while we wait for her. Right?”

“U-uhm. Yeah, sure. Okay.” is what comes out of your mouth. Shit. You haven’t been alone with him for so long now, how are you supposed to handle this? You wish Kanaya show up soon. This is going to be so incredibly embarrassing otherwise. 

He starts playing a movie you don’t know on his computer. You both sit on the bed in silence and watch it at first, but it doesn’t take long before Karkat starts muttering and complaining to no one in particular about the quality of the movie and how stupid the characters are acting. All you can think of is that your arm is almost touching his. You can feel the warmth from his body and suddenly you feel gross and sweaty. This is all your damn useless deodorant’s fault. 

Wait. No, you were wrong. Your arm is already touching his. You could’ve sworn it wasn’t a few seconds ago, that’s strange. You notice Karkat is speaking louder and faster, about things that make less and less sense. 

“Karkat?”

“- And don’t even get me started on the inexplicable stupidity of the… What?”

“Are you okay?”

"What, yes, of course I am, why wouldn’t I be? I just think it’s incredibly fucking ridiculous how miss ‘I’m not interested’ Smith isn’t picking up on her own extremely obvious black feelings for..” his volume increases even further and his arm is pressed against yours. He’s so warm. So is your face. 

You’ve had enough of this. You want things to go back to normal, before you were so nervous around him for no reason. Karkat is your friend, you’ve known him for so long, and you want to be able to have normal conversations with him again. You take a deep breath. You can do this. 

“I need to talk to you about something.”

“And I… What?”

“About… You know. What happened when I… When we were on that building.” Karkat is staring at the screen. He’s awfully quiet now, and you’re awfully scared. Are you fucking up now? You’re probably fucking up real bad. But your mouth continues to make noise anyway.  
“Something’s different, Karkat. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I can’t talk with you the same way anymore. I hate it. I… I miss being able to… well.. I don’t like constantly being nervous around you. Um, uh, I mean...” your throat is drying up. This was a bad idea. You don’t even know what to say anymore. 

“Okay, yeah, I know. I’ve uh, noticed. Or well. I guess I thought it was just me? Ha ha...” a cold, nervous laugh. At least he’s looking at you now instead of the screen. Your eyes dart from his lips to his eyes. No, stop that. Try to concentrate.  
“Look, it’s probably just normal after what happened. That we would… uh...” Uh oh. You think your eyes stayed on his lips for a little too long. Why would you do that? Why do you have to think about how close his face is to yours? Why can’t you just listen to- he’s looking at your lips now. Your heart is pounding and your face is burning. Is this… what you think it is? You lean forward, incredibly slowly. An invisible force is pushing your head, you can't help it. Are your eyes lying to you, or is he moving towards you as well? It feels like the gap between your faces is closing fast, and- 

 

The door slams open.

 

“I’m terribly sorry I’m late, I was…… Uh.” You and Karkat both jerk backwards at what probably is the speed of light, flailing your arms.

“OH HAHA WOW HEY KANAYA.” Karkat blurts out while you clumsily cough something that kind of resembles a greeting, you think.

Kanaya looks from Karkat to you, from you to Karkat. She seems way too suspicious for your liking. “... Is this a bad time?” she finally says.

“What, no, of course not, come in, come in!” you both assure her loudly and unconvincingly. It takes a bit of nagging before you manage to convince her to sit down on the bed between you and Karkat. He switches movies to the one you all planned to watch originally, and the movie plays out without any commentary from any of you. 

You barely have any idea that there’s a movie playing at all. You’re still completely shaken and your head is spinning. That was way too close. You... you almost kissed Karkat. Kissed him! What kind of idiot move were you trying to pull? He was obviously weirded out by your creepy-ass staring, your unwanted closeness, how could you have acted so irresponsibly? Almost kissing him!

This confirms what you’ve been afraid of all this time. You never let yourself actually think the thought, but there's no denying it anymore. You don’t like him just as a friend anymore. Kissing him. That’s what you were trying to do. Kissing. You can’t shake the picture out of your head now. You try to silence your head while staring into blank space. 

He almost kissed you. Wait, no, you almost kissed him. Not the other way around. 

 

...Right?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're in the middle of freaking out about current events when it turns out you have a visitor. 
> 
>  
> 
> also haha, i bet you people thought i abandoned this thing.  
> i am just a next level procrastinator. fooled you all
> 
> also sorry its so short. i still kinda suck at this stuff...

You walk back and forth through the living room. It all happened yesterday, and you’re still upset... How are you ever going to face him now? Will you even be able to say a single word to him, ever again? You’ve ruined everything. He was like, your best friend! And now you've gone and thrown in romance, and it'll make him uncomfortable, and he'll- 

...

Someone’s knocking at the door.  
You sneak into the hall. It can’t be who you fear it is. Yeah, you’re just being paranoid. He probably doesn’t want to see you again, ever. He wouldn’t visit you out of the blue like this. You carefully open the door.

It turns out he would.

Karkat is standing outside, looking determined, of all things. Why can't he at least look like he’s as nervous as you are? Suddenly you realize that you’re wearing nothing but an oversized sweater, your hair isn’t brushed, and you probably look like a lazy mess. You try to mentally shrink to keep him from looking at you. It doesn’t seem to be working too well.

“Hey.”

“….Hi.”

“Can I come in?”

“S-sure. Sure, yeah. Come in.”

For once in your life, please just relax and stop stuttering, you think to yourself after you close the door. Karkat sits down on the bench in the hall.

“Look, we need to talk about some things.” he says, looking at you. Why does he have to keep looking at you like that?

“Oh… Okay. Is it… Is it about...” you begin.

“Yeah. About yesterday. I came to say … I’m sorry.”

Wait, what? You’re too baffled to reply. Sorry for what? Is he apologizing in advance for turning you down? Or is he sorry for inviting you to the movie night at all?

“I.. I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you. I know it was fucking stupid, and I know that we’re just friends and there’s really no way to defend what I did. But you’re really important to me, and I don’t want to ruin shit between us just because I lost control of myself yesterday. So I promise I won’t do it again, and…. Can we please just pretend this never happened? I’ve been feeling like a complete asshole all day, and it’s just a dumb crush, it’ll probably go away eventually...”

He couldn’t seem to keep his eyes still, looking to the side, to his feet, to you, and then back again. Your own eyes couldn’t seem to focus either, the inside of your head spinning, trying to make sense of the situation. It took you about ten seconds of opening and closing your mouth like a fish on dry land before you could croak out a reply. 

“Karkat….. What the hell are you talking about?! I thought… wasn’t… I thought _I_ was the one trying to kiss _you_!!!”

“Hold on, what?? The fuck?!” He gave you an intense glare of disbelief. 

“But if you’re…. if you were trying to… then we both..??” you grab the door handle for support. This is too much to take in. “You… like me?”

“Wh… Yes, of course I fucking like you, holy shit, I thought I was being extremely clear on that point! I haven’t been able to have a proper conversation with you _in months_ because I get too fucking distracted by my own stupid-ass feelings all the time! I… you haven’t even noticed?!  
Honestly, why do you think I followed you that day? I was going to visit Kanaya when I saw you walking in another direction, and I thought to myself, ‘Hey, why don’t we fucking go stalking after her so we can find out where she’s going and maybe even hang out a little! Sounds like a good and totally not creepy-as-fuck idea!’. Honestly, what kind of desperate person even does something like that? Me, apparently! I’ve been a terrible friend to you, I…!” the pace of his speech keeps accelerating and you can barely make out what he’s actually saying, so you interrupt him. 

“ _Excuse me??_ How can you even say that?? Karkat, you literally saved my life! If you hadn’t followed me back then, I would have… I’d be… I wouldn’t even _be_ here anymore! And then you helped me feel better about myself, and you made me socialize with people again instead of shutting myself out, I… Don’t you dare call yourself a bad friend ever again!”

Karkat stares at you, speechless. He looks.. kind of ashamed? You hesitate for a second and then, because you don’t know what else to do, you take a step forward and hug him. Tightly. After a few seconds, he hugs you back. You stay like that for a while, holding onto each other.

“I like you too, Karkat.” you mumble. “I like you a lot. You can’t just go around assuming what other people think of you.”

“Wha- Hey, you were the one thinking none of your friends liked you-”

“Well yes I see what you’re saying there, but have you considered; Shut up?” 

You can feel him chuckling a little, so you stop hugging him to look at his face. He stares back with a slight smirk. His pupils are huge, like a cat in the dark.

“We’ve both been acting like complete morons, let’s leave it at that.” you say.

“Fine.” He gives you a sarcastic smile. “What do you want to do now, moron?”

“Uh…” you look around awkwardly. “Do you wanna like… come in? I could make some tea?”

“I’d like that.”

You both walk into the kitchen, and he watches you make tea in silence. But it’s not a pressing silence. It feels warm and safe. You take the teacups and sit down next to him. 

“What do we do now?” you say. 

“Wait for the tea to cool down?”

“What? No, I mean… you know… What do we do, as in, about us, since we-” 

“I know what you meant, obviously I’m messing with you.”

“Hey!”

Before you can act offended, he suddenly leans forward. 

 

Kissing you.


End file.
